Facing Those Curves in the Road

Cindy Watson
Photography

It's been awhile since I've updated the blog but I had to take a little bit of time before I could write this post. It's been a rough month and although writing has always been therapeutic for me, I know that sometimes I have to process the thoughts before I can make sense of things in writing. I will warn you all that this post will not be Japan related so if you are mostly interested in our adventures here you might wish to skip this one because it's about an adventure I didn't want to take and it's sad.

As I was writing my last post about shopping, I started getting text messages from my daughter, Hannah. She was pregnant and just about to enter her third trimester. (about 27-28 weeks along in the pregnancy). She was concerned because she hadn't felt the baby move for the last two days and didn't know whether to be concerned or what to do. I told her she should go into her doctor and let them check her so she could be reassured by hearing the heartbeat. It was late at night here but I told her I wouldn't be able to sleep until I heard back from her. I continued to write while she showered and got her son in the car to go to the doctor. Her husband, Dantrell was in Florida for a training class so she had to take her son with her for this appointment.

Many of you who know me well know that I had a fourth child (a son) that I delivered stillborn at 24 weeks in my pregnancy. It was the hardest thing I ever had to do in life and an event that changed me. So as I waited to hear from her I was praying that she would find the heartbeat and be reassured but my heart was feeling sick about what she could possibly find. About two hours later she called me on Facetime and she had that same devastated look of despair in her tear-filled eyes that I had felt 24 years before her. I remember screaming. "NO!!! I never wanted you to have to feel this!" and I began crying with her. She described exactly what I experienced....the nurse who listens for the heartbeat then gets quiet and leaves the room bringing back another nurse who also checks and they begin whispering as if you didn't know that they had not found what they sought. She had asked me on the phone before going to the doctor what would happen if they didn't find a heartbeat and I told her they would take her for an ultrasound to check on the baby. So when they told her they wanted to take her in for an ultrasound, she knew her nightmare was beginning.

I was on the phone with her when the doctor came in to talk to her and he was very tender with her which I was thankful for. I stayed on the phone with her while she left the office and went to the car to drive home. I was reliving that feeling of devastation as you have to exit with swollen eyes through the waiting room full of all the pregnant women, longing to be sitting in their spot instead of leaving knowing that your story was taking a different turn. I remembered my drive home alone and I didn't want her to be alone even if I was only on the phone. She sent a text to her sister, Amber and just asked "could you come?" She didn't hesitate. She clocked out at work and hopped in her car for the hour and a half drive from Durham to Goldsboro. I was so thankful she lives close to her. I talked to Hannah for awhile until Dantrell was able to call her. There is nothing more heart-wrenching than to watch your child hurting with a hurt so deep and I was not able to give her a hug and tell her I could make it all better. All I could do was listen and help her navigate through her grief. I knew, first hand what it felt like and I was reliving my day 24 years ago while trying to help her through hers. I won't lie, it was the most awful feeling ever.

Hannah asked me to let Cory know because she didn't know how to tell him so I sent a FB message to him (the only way we can communicate during his work day) and asked him to go his car and facetime with me. He was away from his desk when the message came in so he didn't answer right away. I called Stephanie to let her know while I waited to hear from Cory. We both cried together. Cory called as soon as he got the message and I told him the news. He, too, cried for Hannah and he said he would call her and talk to her before going back to work. He and Stephanie instantly started discussing how they could get Cory there to help. He talked to his boss and then began searching for flights.

I called the girls again after Amber arrived and they were both sitting on Hannah's kitchen floor with red eyes so I joined in and we all cried together. I was waiting for the sun to rise so I could figure out how I was going to get there. There was no way I could sleep. Our heads were all pounding from crying so much but I wanted to be there with them. Hannah had questions about what would happen next. We talked for over an hour and then I left them to themselves to visit and talk while I went and started doing laundry to get ready for a rushed trip to the states. Russ was sleeping through most of this and at some point in the night I went and told him what had happened because I knew he was probably wondering why I wasn't sleeping and why I was crying. When he got up to get ready for work I told him I was going to try to figure out where to go to get an emergency flight back to the states. I drove to the terminal on base to figure out what the process was for getting on a flight quickly. They told me I would need to go to the Red Cross office and also have certain forms processed through Russ's work. I met Russ at his office and he drove with me to the Red Cross to get the process started. They explained that they would have to talk to the doctor to verify what had happened and needed to call Amber since she was with her to get any current1 information on Hannah. They told me there were about 5 steps in the process of approvals before they could put me on a plane. The waiting was frustrating.

After lunch, a friend stopped by to see if I wanted to go shopping with her and I told her what was happening. She suggested that I look online and see what the prices were for tickets. I had imagined them being around $2,000 to $3000 for a short notice ticket so I hadn't looked there first. A friend from GA was also looking into getting a buddy pass for me through Delta. I was amazed when I looked at the ticket prices that they weren't too much higher than what I'd been looking at for traveling in January for Kylee's arrival. I called Russ and told him and without hesitation he said "book it" and I did. If I'd started looking there first I might have been able to fly out that same day but I figured this all out after the flights had already left for that day. Russ took me to the airport the next morning and I began the 24 hours of travel time back to the states. Cory had gotten on a flight late that night and was on his way to North Carolina. Dantrell had just arrived home from Florida and Amber had the task of calling the doctor to set up the appointment for Kylee's delivery. She was scheduled for 2 p.m. on Thursday the 29th. Cory stayed with Brayden at their house and Amber and Dantrell were with her at the delivery. I texted at every stop to check on progress and got internet access for the longest flight (13 hours) so I would know when she arrived. Kylee Joy Hunt was born on Friday, October 30 at 1:01 p.m. weighing in at 1 lb. 15 oz. and 12 inches long.

My flight was just touching down in Houston when she arrived and I couldn't get off that plane and through customs fast enough. As soon as I got to my next gate I found a spot in the hallway, connected to the wifi and sat down and skyped with Amber and Hannah. Amber was holding Kylee and I had her show me her little hands and feet and sweet face. She looked like her big brother. She was beautiful. I longed to be able to hold her but I knew I still had a three hour layover and an hour drive from Raleigh to Goldsboro so I resigned myself to the fact that I would not make it in time and I didn't. I asked Amber to take as many pictures as she could of her from all angles and try to record the day for Hannah. It was something I didn't do with my youngest son's birth and wished I had. It was a hard job for her. She had to be strong for Hannah when I know she, too, was hurting inside. She bonded with baby Kylee by being there for the delivery, holding her while Hannah slept off some of the strong medicines she was given and photographing her. I know Kylee will hold a special place in her heart too.

They stayed with Kylee for several hours, holding and loving on her. Amber dressed her in an outfit provided by Stephanie and put a bow in her hair. The cause of death was from the umbilical cord wrapped too tightly around her. The hospital took her footprints and handprints and gave Hannah a birth announcement with her weight and length. Amber called Cory and asked him to bring Brayden to the hospital so that they wouldn't have to leave alone. Cory called a funeral home during the day and made arrangements for someone to pick up Kylee for cremation. Cory arrived at the hospital about the same time the funeral director did and was also able to hold Kylee before their tearful goodbyes. Brayden made everything a little easier. He came with kisses for his Mama and has a smile that cheers everyone who sees him. He did a great job bringing cheer to them in the midst of a sad time. By the time they arrived home, Hannah and Dantrell were emotionally and physically exhausted so they went straight to bed. Amber stayed with Brayden and Cory drove to the airport to get me. Before going to bed, Hannah left a message for me with a picture of the birth announcement asking me to write a post for facebook to let everyone know what had happened. She said that she didn't know what to say and thought I'd find the right words. I stayed up late that night writing a post for her so that she would be able to read all the expressions of love when she woke up the next day.

It warmed my heart to see my three kids come together to support each other through this difficult time. I couldn't be prouder of the way they weathered through this together. I know Hannah appreciated the support and love from her siblings. There is nothing that can prepare you for the deep grief of losing a child to stillbirth. Hannah faced it all bravely.  Kylee will always be a part of her story/ She'll always wonder who she might have been. She'll relive those days every time she hears of another friend facing the death of a child. She'll always remember her birthday and how old she would be and she'll have days when she feels sad and will cry for the loss of her little girl that she wanted so very badly. I'm praying she will be blessed with many more children in the near future. I hope all who read this will say some prayers for her to have another girl or two in her arms by this time next year.

I stayed with her for three weeks helping her through the grieving process. We had long talks, we had some good cries and we made a few memorial items to help her heal. We made charm bracelets for each of us with angel wings, her initial, an elephant and a flower. I bought her a shadow box frame and we arranged a collage of Kylee's keepsakes. It contains her hospital cap, bracelet and birth announcement, her ultrasound picture, a picture I edited of her feet, and a poem written by my sister. One of my UK friends, Cheryl Johnson, who owns her own photography business (www.feelgoodphotos.co.uk) contacted me after my facebook announcement and offered to edit some of Kylees photos for Hannah. She belongs to a group called Remember my Baby. (http://www.remembermybaby.org.uk/). She put together a beautiful slide show for her with a sweet song called "the last lullaby". It was an amazing gift from a sweet, compassionate friend and it will be cherished by Hannah forever.