Infant Loss Remembrance Day

Most of those that know me well are aware that Russ and I lost a son to stillbirth in 1991. I was almost five months into my pregnancy, went in for a normal appointment and was told my baby had died. I had to deliver him the next day. We named him Timmy although he was originally to be named Kevin Scott. When I saw him all I could think of was tiny Timmy and it just seemed right to give him that name. They determined the cause of death was my being exposed to Fifth Disease in my middle trimester. It was the hardest thing I've had to go through in my life. I don't think I've ever cried so much in my life....until.....

Last year my youngest daughter, Hannah called me in late October. She was 28 weeks pregnant with a baby girl she named Kylee Joy. She told me she hadn't felt her moving in the past few days. I told her to call her Dr. immediately and make an appointment. It was late at night here and I told her I wouldn't sleep until I heard back from her. She called me from the Dr. office crying that same cry I'd cried 24 years ago. She, too, had lost a child and would be called to deliver her the next day. She was experiencing my nightmare and it was oh so hard to watch from the outside when I knew first hand what she was feeling. You can read all about her story in one of my blog posts from a year ago.

We have a friend here named Charla who also lost her first child, Max to stillbirth. She decided to start a non-profit group to give support to others who have lost children either due to miscarriage, stillbirth or SIDS. She planned a memorial service for October 15 and asked me to come. It was held at one of the beaches. We introduced ourselves and told our stories. I told the story of loss as a Mom and a Grandmother. It was nice to be able to talk about it after all these years with people who understood even though I still couldn't talk without tears. At 7:00 p.m. we did the International Wave of Light. Participants from around the world are asked to light a candle at 7 p.m. in their respective time zone. The candle is to be lit for an hour. The result is supposed to be a continuous chain of light spanning the globe for a 24 hour period in remembrance of our lost children who never got a chance to live. We all lit our candles at the beach and it was beautiful. I held a candle for Timmy and one for Kylee.

After blowing out the candles we waited in line as an artist lettered memorial pictures for each of us. I sent one to Hannah for Kylee and kept one for myself for Kylee and Timmy. On Timmy's birthday I will place it on an easel for the day and do my usual wondering of who he would be and how life would be different if he had lived. After his birthday is over I'll put it away for next year.  Losing a child changes you forever. It's a club I never wanted to be in nor have my daughter join me in but one that I've learned a great deal from.